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If only I could see life through a simple window. My life would uncomplicate itself in a matter of seconds. But why? Why must I see everything as something much more complex than it needs to be? If I knew, I would not be writing now would I? A rather prominent example would have to be how I manage to complicate my life at the whim of my over analytical mind. And my mind is exactly that: over analytical! If I could cure my mind of this ill doing, I would be a much happier citizen of this earth. I could walk the streets without wondering whether what someone said three days ago actually had several underlying meanings. Underlying meanings is the heart of it. How simple it is to think up a whole new meaning to the words "I love you". Apart form the commonly understood meaning, I could, in five minutes, create an alternate set of images, ideas, and theories on what those three words could have meant. I chose the words "I love you" due to the fact that in general it is typically difficult to misunderstand them. And yet I can find a way, or even several ways. Normally one would think that it is related to the tone of voice at the time. I wish I could say it is this and only this. Allow my mind to intrude, and away we go on a roller coaster ride. On this ride, I begin to think, and think too much, and over analyze the situation. I will stray from the "I love you" example for now, as the next one is much more blunt. A while back, a girlfriend of mine asked me a question. I won't provide that question, as it is irrelevant. It was personal in nature, and I felt no need to answer this question. She was content and respected that. But then I began to think of what was hiding behind that question. What could be a better way to start a controversy that to ask the question "Why?" A simple word, that when asked usually has no answers. And that was the answer I got: No answer. Well, indeed there was an answer, and it was, "Oh nothing. Don't worry about it." Well worry I did, and my mind took over and began producing some more reasons for why she would ask such a direct question. I began to ask more questions based on the eternal question, "Why?" And this caused anger in my mind, and frustration. It had progressed so far that I had managed to make her cry. Once I saw this, I backed off and tried to figure out where this misplaced anger had come from. Was it necessary? Was it all a figment of my overly elaborate mind? Why? Now I am faced with the same question that I sought an answer to. Why had I degraded to the point where my anger was driven by my mind, an entity that obviously seems to enjoy the frustration that I hate. Why did I have to conjure up these images in the first place? Once the damage is done, I realize what happened, and I am left to pick up the pieces. I unfortunately see this happen every day for me, although I am getting better at shooting my mind down before it has the chance to do it's evil deeds. But at the same time, reading into things, or over analyzing, is almost a necessity. Many people that I have met in the past, and continue to meet, are very secretive, and leave much to the imagination. So, it's left up to my mind to find the meaning in what they say. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes not. At this point I hold everything in. I fear that my own conclusions are wrong, and voicing them would only hinder my hopes. This is another flaw in my otherwise confused mindset. The obvious solution to any problem is to be open minded, and to be very precise with what you are trying to say or accomplish. And if only life were that simple...
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-- Dan MacMartin (March 3rd, 1999) |